Two Sides of the Coin
by LightWoman
Summary: Exploring Cal's love for Gillian.
1. A Face In The Crowd

So, this fic will comprise two parts, looking at two very different angles of Cal's love for Gillian. They are about his unrequited love for her which, while that may not be the case, in my interpretation is at least what he believes. One has a more positive take on what it is to love someone who doesn't love you back, one less so.

**Disclaimer: As always, don't own it.**

A Face in the Crowd

Sometimes he longs to be an anonymous face in the crowd; in _her _crowd. To just be someone who passed her on the street; a man who gave her a sweeping glance, a look of appreciation, but nothing more. He imagines spending no more than a minute with her, getting a sense of her beauty and incredible heart, but never getting close enough to really feel it. He wonders what it would be like to brush past her on the street or stand next to her when buying coffee; to offer her a flirtatious grin and be rewarded with a shy, gentle smile, before they go their separate ways.

Most of the time, he's glad that isn't the case. He's more thankful than he could ever express that he has her in his life, but love is not without complication. And knowing her – loving her – the way he does has brought with it enough pain and frustration to make him wish, on certain days, that it were not this way. That he doesn't notice the smell of her perfume whenever he walks into a room that she's vacated, doesn't feel the smile slip from his face as soon as she turns to walk away, doesn't curse his inadequacy every time he is the reason for her worry or, god forbid, her tears. Or that it doesn't kill him every time he has to see her with another man.

Everything about her makes him glad he knows her. But everything about not being with her makes him wish he wasn't in this position: close, but not close enough. Those are the days when he wishes he wasn't her best friend, who loves her so fiercely without ever saying a word. He wishes he were at a safer distance, where he didn't know her well enough for the pain to clench so tightly. To catch just a glimpse of her, instead of being so close to what he can never have, would surely be better. It would be easier, he thinks, to just be a blurry image in a photo of many people, a stranger she sees for a split second, an anonymous face in the crowd.


	2. If Time Is All I Have

If Time is All I Have

_If time is all I have, I'll waste it all on you_.

_~James Blunt_

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He imagines that most people would feel sorry for him if they realised quite how much he loves her. They would shake their heads, give him a sad smile, and think what a pity it is that a man can love a woman with all his heart and never have her love him back – at least not romantically.

If people did know, and responded this way, he'd want to correct them, although he isn't sure he's articulate enough to properly be able to convey quite how amazing it is to know Gillian Foster, how lucky he is to have her in his life, and what a privilege it is to love her.

He will gladly spend the rest of his days loving her, although he's aware that most people might consider that a waste. Is it a waste of a heart to love someone when that love is unrequited? For him, the answer is an unequivocal no. Loving Gillian Foster could never be a waste; not when it brings him so much joy to be close to her, to know her, to sometimes be the reason she smiles or laughs.

There are times, of course, when the pain is sharper, when the knowledge that she'll never love him the way he loves her hits a little harder, when it all just feels too real. But her gentle smile, her soft voice, the way she _does_ love him, even if it's not how it is in his fantasies, gives him more than he could have ever dreamt of. And if loving her from afar with a heart that will always be half broken is all he has, he'll happily spend a lifetime that way. It's better to love her, even if it is unrequited, than it is to not love her at all.

She knows how he feels; of this he is certain. She doesn't question it, doesn't make things awkward by bringing it up, and would never use it against him. She may not love him, but she lets him love her. And that's more than he could have ever hoped for.


End file.
